This really weird thing happened to me. Then it got even weirder. Then it turned insane. Do I have a story for you. [This is the epic continuation of “How I Became a Minor Celebrity in China.”]

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I break this story up into three chapters. It should never have gone this far, but the internet works in mysterious ways. None of this should have ever happened. It makes absolutely no sense at all. It's truly crazy.

Chris Ritter for BuzzFeed

LONG, LONG AGO (January 2014 lol)...

Bro Orange

THE STORY BEGINS in early 2014 when I was in the East Village at my favorite bar, EVS. I've said this multiple times so far, but I swear it's on St. Marks and it's not douchey. Also don't start going there, because it's my bar and it's impossible to find a not-crowded bar in New York City with a good happy hour. So yeah, don't go there.

Anyway, it's like February 2014 and I'm out drinking my $20 happy hour bottle of wine when someone comes into the bar and swipes my phone off the table. Honestly, it's genius. I applaud the person who took my phone. I bet you he stole 20 phones that night. It's the perfect place to steal phones. Bravo. Genius.

Anyway, I call my phone and it goes straight to voicemail: the international sign of death. I was never seeing that phone again. The phone was gone.

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